Sometimes I channel Elena Gilbert

I am in this really weird place where I'm being confronted with myself in a way that I can't really ever remember being.

I think of myself as someone who doesn't put too much stock in what people think of me. 

I can also acknowledge that I have internalized a lot of heavy shit  -  and the way I've responded to the way people think and talk about me has been overall a pretty negative thing in my life. I really hate all the males who have ever known me and treated me like an Object, it bothers me that this happened so often I completely lost sight of my own Being when I was a teen. 

And also a lot of other really bad shit, okay?

And I pretty much have come to terms with the fact that I only hear the negative things people say about me - either because I am so used to it; because dipshit males believe that their chauvinism is complimentary; because it is all I have known; mostly because it is all I hear. 

I remember in the 6th grade being told I was just like Anne of Green Gables.

I remember my ex calling me "crazy" on a pretty regular basis. Chubby. Over-emotional. Ridiculous. Cute.

I remember people calling me "cute" so often in HS I started charging people nickles when it was said.

I remember my mother and sister saying that I was the one with good fashion sense. 

I've been called "bossy" many a time when I was younger.

I remember my mother, sister, and I casting ourselves and each other into Winnie the Pooh and Toy Story characters. I was Eyeore and Rex.

Explain this to me. 

These are the descriptors that I walked around with in my head as having meaning. The ones from other people. The ones that were: "Kelsey you are ______" .... 

I also had a fucked up sense of self based on the way people treated me, on how I believed I should be treated, on how I felt about myself, on how I felt about the way people treated me. All in a jumble. 

But I can't recall very many instances in which people described me to myself. Like... I actually remember consciously WONDERING and being at a loss because... I had no clue how people thought about me, really. I mostly just knew how people treated me and had to glean information from that. 

I'm not counting my academic experiences. I am pretty confident in my intellectual abilities in the classroom setting. This is more about interpersonal things.

That is, until recently.

Now. I don't know if I'm just craving desperately an outside perspective. Or if I'm noticing this more now because I'm struggling. But some very interesting conversations have occurred in which friends of mine have described me to myself. And I ... 

"the most maternal person I've ever met"

"delicate heart"

"strong"

"the nicest person in *group*"

"you love everything with a full heart"

I feel these things. 

It's unsettling - to hear things like this about yourself. It's not something I am capable of handling with any grace - I flounder around and am not sure what to do. Because they aren't untrue. And they aren't negative. 

((And writing this out - I feel a little self-conscious. Like I think too highly of myself. Like I'm bragging. Since self-esteem is something I legitimately struggle with... I'm okay recording and thinking about the things about myself that I find positive once in a while. Because I need to remember it. I need to wrap myself in this post later - learn to be okay with myself again. This post doesn't mean that I'm all okay - part of being the type of person that wears their heart on their sleeve the way I do, means that I fall constantly and picking myself up is never easy.))

Recently, I also began describing myself ... as a writer. 

New.

Which is pretty huge, for me. I've always been "a person who is a good writer" ... but to say "I am a writer" is a very different thing.

It means (to me) that I feel everything. Deeply and passionately. And find comfort in expressing these emotions through words and characters. Which is this whole new part of me.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is... Other than that, I find that I don't surprise people the way I think I should. Or... the way I expect others to be off-put. I feel as though I am in a space currently in which I'm utterly transparent.

And it isn't seen as negative. 

I can't remember a time in my life in which this were true. 

And... the thing is that I was comfortable with myself and being this way  -  I've stopped apologizing and hiding my loves and my enthusiasm. And people are responding to that so positively. 

What I wonder is:: seeing these descriptions, seeing my heart on my sleeve, is this at all familiar or similar to that girl I was with B? Would these descriptions even make sense to people who knew me during those five years?

I don't think I would have even liked myself then. If I could go back in time 2-3 years and meet myself.... I don't see that going well. 

I so greatly prefer this person.

I wish I had found her sooner.

Ponds and Eleven and how they have stolen my Mind

If you haven't heard this song: "Little Talks" by Monsters and Men  - you're about to get a healthy dosing of it. Because I'm pretty sure that this song is about Eleven and the Ponds. All of it. Mostly the Ponds. And mostly Eleven. But mostly all Four of them in their messy, beautiful glory. But only through S6 - I haven't caught up with S7 yet. This is unabashed love and equal-opportunity shipping, here. Though I show my bias for Amy/Rory - every messy combo is represented (Even River/Tardis!)