Random huff... more later

learning and education - it always makes you a better person, because everything that you learn widens your perspective and makes you realize all the things you don't know --- and the only way to get to a point where we actually care about other people, is when we care enough about ourselves to invest in ourselves

TVD: Top 10 Reasons Why this Show Stole My Heart

I finished VDiaries in less than a week. Yes, I was hungover for the first part of the marathon. And yes, I've decided to write a paper on it so it was quasi-legitimate "studying" during parts of it. But guys - this show stole my heart. Here are my top ten reasons/moments in which I completely flailed and realized I'll never stop loving/watching this show, in no particular order:

Jeremy Gilbert

There is no specific moment with this one. Every time Jeremy comes on screen I want the moment to pause so that I can hug him. He's a completely broken little boy, who gets up every morning trying to just make the ache go away. After Damon's compulsion-trick, Elena (and I) worried that his "new" behavior was somehow not him, but the first conversation that he has with Anna - I felt - proved that Damon took away the pain, not his personality. Jeremy's a brilliant guy, who needed an escape from his own mind and pain. Jeremy deals with his pain the same way his sister does: by nurturing other people who are hurting/need help. With Vicki - he threw himself in too far, he lost himself. Losing Vicki, and having the ability to let go of the pain, meant that he lost that part of himself that wallowed in self-destruction.

As much as I love Bonnie, I only want scenes with Jeremy and Anna. They met in a library!!! Their first conversations were about the metaphorical significance of vampirism during the Civil War! These kids are self-reflecting, they interrogate their own relationship as it is happening. They own me. And even though it's more important for Jeremy to love the living - and for Anna to be with Pearl (oh my heart) - this pairing is one of my favorites of the series. They are always so full of smiles for each other. (Which is in part that Jeremy lights up like a Christmas tree anytime he sees the girl he loves.) I love them.



The Bromances

Episode one I said: I want Jeremy and Tyler to be BFFs forever. I'm still waiting for this to get thick. I'm hoping that in their "I betrayed my girlfriend and now am at a loss" states we'll see more of them together. It is all I want. Because every scene with the two of them is filled with such camaraderie - even when they were trying to kill each other, it seemed to be more about extreme over-identification issues than actual hatred: trying to destroy that part of the self that they don't want to have to see. Can we have a montage of them both sketching their exes or something? This will steal my heart completely.

Alaric and Damon = the besties of all the best. In an episode from S3 Elena says to Ric: I think he misses you. Word, Elena. It's in moments when these two are on the outs that I worry the most about... well, them both. Ironically, they keep each other in the now, they both ensure that the other doesn't lose their humanity. In order to define, for Damon, what the line is between monster|man - Alaric is constantly having to redefine that line for himself. Plus, in a story that is amuck with hormonal teenagers - these two were the only "adults" that know what is going on. Which often just means that they get drunk together. But how hard would that be - to be the adult, in this bizarre situation, and the only other person remotely near your own age is someone you love to hate = best friendship ever.

I didn't know whether to include the Damon/Stefan and Klaus/Elijah dynamic to the Bromance section - but let's just work with them on that level for a second.

These two sets of brothers are obvious mirrors of each other (is there anything in this series that isn't a double of something else?) and not just in their mutual attraction to Katherine/Elena. They're brothers firs and foremost, above anything else. And they betray each other - repeatedly throughout time. But what's interesting about both of these sets of brothers - is that they live to torment each other. Really and truly, part of what keeps them alive is challenging the other, knowing that the other is always there - not for support, necessarily - but to torture in this unique and heartbreaking way. These brothers make it clear that it is impossible to hate without there being an element of deep and pervasive love. I want more Klaus/Elijah, of course, but even if we don't get more - I love that they were not set up as a triangle with Katherine - there's more to the story than Katherine, in both instances. She's merely an object around which their already established issues revolve.


Katherine

I know for a fact that in the beginning I hated her. Well, not hated - but felt that there must be more to her relationship to the brothers than just that she chose one over the other. She said in the beginning that she had a "plan" for them - and we still haven't gotten anything from that, but there's something. She's far too interesting to just be the object of desire for brothers to fight over.


Even though she's a bitch - she never apologizes for it, she never tries to hide who she really is. It would have been very easy for her to lie to Damon - to keep leading him on - but she's honest about herself. When she keeps secrets - it's out of desperation and a need to protect herself. I don't really get her infatuation with Stefan, but girl knows her mind and wants what she wants.

Plus, she proved herself in the most recent episode. She isn't one of those vampires who has shut off her humanity, and even though it (may) turn out that she is manipulating Stefan's humanity ... I'm not swallowing that easy. Because in order to be in love with Stefan, you kind of have to enjoy and understand his constant existential crisis. Plus, her scenes with Damon hedge on being just as adorable as scenes between Elena and Damon.

THE GIRLS

This scene - this moment... this image just gets me all worked up. There isn't a "mean girl" in this series. (Unless you count Katherine or Rebekah - which I don't) What there is instead: is a genuine friendship between three females. This is where the story begins - with these girls loving each other, helping each other, bonding together. I know that Elena is often seen as the Big Damn Hero of the show - but the reason why this show works for me - is all the moments when it is clear that this is truly an ensemble show - and the "main" story is driven by these three women. There are moments, understandably, when we lose sight of one, or two, or when Elena takes center stage because for all plot-purposes she is the center, but we're always brought back to the fact that it is about the three of them, together. And guys, that's really frackin rare and amazing to see. A series that devotes itself to the relationship between three girls - three very different, unique, well-rounded girls that rely on each other and ... there are no words for how much I love these girls.


Elena

Elena is a genuinely good person. The first episode I ever saw was 3.02 and the entire time I was thinking "Why is this chick their queen?!" And then I watched it all from the beginning. And now I know. Because she's the queen. End of story. She earned it. She fought for it. She has my respect.
I'm not going to go in depth on her, because I probably will do lots later. Let's just say: I was worried, I thought I wouldn't love her. Guys. I LOVE HER. Let's all have a coffee date with her.



Saying No, Standing Up, Being a Big Damn Hero

It isn't always clear that St/Elena aren't going to go to a weird BAngel place - where their relationship no longer makes sense and is all epic-love ridiculousness. It isn't always clear that the series won't just buckle under pressure and go to a Bella Swan place with Elena.
Until this moment.
When Elena tells Stefan that under no circumstances does she want to be a vampire. That even though she uses the term "always" with him, it's not about letting go of her life - it's about being a 17-year old girl. I love that she acknowledges that she is too young to even know what love really is - and that's not to say that she doesn't care for him as much as she is capable to in that moment, but that - that moment may not be the end-all, be-all. We're redefining the terms of romantic love back to a realistic - teenage space. Not a glorified teenage space. Not a corrupted teenage space - but the actual, real deal. For that alone, the writers deserve a brownie point or two.











Sisters

I originally had just titled this section "Siblings" and had included the Salvators... and then I changed my mind: because what I really love about this series is its representation of sisters. We have yet to have a set of sisters (the way that we have doubled sets of brothers) and I really hope that there will be this dynamic eventually, but for now we have a bunch of kick ass ladies dealing with their brothers - and I am loving it :)
I know it may seem like I covered this in the Bromance section, by including Klaus/Elijah and Damon/Stefan - but Rebekah adds an important layer to the importance of family... a dynamic that has been there since the beginning. Regardless of what is happening in her life, Elena is always a big sister to Jeremy. The series literally begins - not just with the Salvator brothers, but with the doubled- brother/sister relationship shown through Elena/Jeremy and Matt/Vicki - and it is always there, under the surface of the series: the importance of family ... and not just family, but the bond between siblings. In a scifi/fantasy series, it would be really easy to lose sight of the dynamic between siblings - or to overplay it and show only the corruption. Yes, the Bromances are corrupted by the entrance of a female-object, but brother/sister relationships are shown, for the most part, in a positive light. There is always love. Rebekah describes her relationship with Klaus as being equal parts love and hate, this is the only sibling relationship that is shown as corrupt - and there's good reason for it. 

I have included an image of Stefan and Lexi - because even though this series emphasizes blood-relations over "found"- family bonds, the one shining example of finding and creating your own family, it is in Stefan and Lexi. I'm hoping that eventually Damon and Katherine will get to this point, there's hints of it in S2, and I could probably argue that they are already functioning on the same level as these other sibling pairings, there's a long way to go before the series itself acknowledges that dynamic. 

Point of this story: Sisters are important. Sisters can hurt (Vicki), they can be betrayed (Rebekah), they can betray you while trying to protect you (Elena), and they can drag you away from the edge (Lexi) - but they are not disposable. This series wouldn't function without sisters pushing along, loving their brothers unconditionally. And that's pretty awesome.

Caroline Forbes

Caroline is hands-down my favorite female character on this show. No joke. When this girl cries - when you hear her voice break because her heart is breaking and she's in so much pain - I lose it. She should cry in every scene - she should never be allowed to cry. She's incredible. I want to be this girl's best friend. And every time I say this my very tall and red-headed roomie looks at me dubiously and says: "You mean, post-vampire?" Bitch, please. Caroline was my favorite from the beginning. The very beginning of all the beginnings, there was Caroline and I loved her. I need someone to be kind to her, for once. Thus far, she's been one of Damon's dolls, Matt's whipping-post, and Tyler's sexual release. When will the boys of Mystic Falls realize that she's the most awesome of all the awesome???

Sorry... when I think about Caroline all logic and reason goes bye-bye. She's incredible because I say so. ...

Or... not because I say so - because she just is.

Damon's Dolls vs. Stefan's Journal

Can I just say off the bat that I'm not quite sure when Stefan/Elena's journaling voice-overs stopped, but thank goodness they did!!!

In the beginning, we have Stefan being all angsty-with big hair and a big forehead (familiar? lol) writing in his journal. And there are tons of those suckers. Journaling is an important plot-point for the first two seasons, everyone keeps one and most of the relevant information that the characters receive is through either (a) first-person narrative through a vampire (who are like walking, talking history books) or (b) first-person narrative through a journal. But it is hugely important - at least for me - that Stefan does most of his exposition and self-analysis by cutting himself off from the world. He doesn't talk to anyone, even Lexi and Elena only seem to get part of the story. My conclusion: this is why it is so easy for him to divide himself between the monster/man | evil/good | dark/light aspects of himself... he cuts himself off from humanity by detailing his life to a book, in pen. There's something about this form of passing on information that is, within the context of the series, a bit of a problem. The big-whammy Gilbert journals that are of so much importance, detail a man going insane slowly. Yeah, that's not a good sign ... when Stefan starts to lose his humanity, it makes all the more sense because... yeah, that's what journaling does: it makes it easy to go nuts, to lose your humanity. 

On the other hand, we have Damon and his dolls. Because that's what I'm choosing to call the women that he dresses up and compels to be in love with him: dolls. That's what they are to him... or, that's what Stefan, Elena, and Alaric have determined that they are. I think it's more complicated than that. And a lot of this is going to seem apologetic - but I'm not judging Damon as a human, I'm trying to look at him for what he is: a vampire. (Stefan calls himself a human, walks around and attempts to pass himself as something other than vampire, which is  

why it is easier to get mad when he falls off the wagon - Damon makes no such illusions about himself, so let's talk about him the way the series does: as a vampire.) And as a Vampire - he has a definite sense that humans are there for him to use as is necessary. But have you noticed what he does with his dolls (besides rape and manipulate them?) - he plays fucking house. His "relationship" with first Caroline and then Andie, is gushy and over-the-top. He's affectionate, he teases, they throw ridiculous parties, he plays the perfect boyfriend. What does this have to do with journaling? Well, Damon's dolls are his form of journal. He reaches out to women - makes them into objects - plays the part that he thinks they want him to play - and then exposes himself. While Stefan is running around alone, Damon always has a confidant. Caroline and Andie know everything that is going on. When Andie sees Stefan again, she says (tellingly): "We have been looking for you." Because every woman that Damon brings into his life is a reflection of himself - his dolls are his way of expressing himself. He sits and talks to them, he pulls a "distraction" into his life, but tells them what they are, tells them what he expects of them, tells them what he expects of himself. As a vampire - it totally makes sense to use a human companion as a sounding-board: they will only reflect what he wants, and when they don't (which they often do), he can merely turn them off, send them away. He's always connected to other people - in a really bizarre, "only a vampire could pull this off" kind of way. Because his "journal" is a person who talks back - who keeps him in a state of pretend. There's a fine line in Damon Salvator's life, between performance and reality - the "relationships" that he plays are ridiculous, because they mimic the relationships around him. His dolls are not just a sounding board, they aren't just a blank slate for him to write on (the way Stefan's journal pages are) - they are human beings, women with their own expectations. Does he compel them? Yes. Is he sometimes cruel? Yes. But in public - he's the perfect boyfriend to each of his dolls. He completes their image of themselves even as he completes his image of himself by having them on his arm. (Think back to his conversation with Caroline about Edward Cullen.)

What I'm trying to say is this: in a human male character, this behavior would be monstrous. He's raping and killing women, just because he can. He's toying with their emotions and desires in order to please himself. BUT. As a vampire - I think this behavior reveals his humanity, or at least - his desire to hold on to humanity and be a part of it. He's Warren-esqe, trying to play the part of being a boyfriend by compelling women to think that he is... but he doesn't use women as mere blood-bags either, as Stefan so obviously does. When Stefan goes off the deep end, his "dolls" are only blood-bags with boobs. He watches them dance, he drinks from them, they die. Only in Damon's darkest place does he do this. His "norm" - his meal ticket is also his ticket into humanity - his desire to play house, to be the perfect boyfriend, goes hand in hand with his desire for blood. He's completely confused what being in love is, with the image of being in love. He will always be more connected to humanity, because he plays it, like it is a game. He doesn't cut himself off from it - he just literally doesn't understand it. 

Of course, the implications of this representation is astounding in terms of gender studies (the idea that men use women as a representation of humanity, as objects that merely reflect their own desires... it's all very icky) - and I would NEVER suggest that his behavior is okay, or that he should rape women and kill people for no reason. What I'm saying is this: women bear meaning. Literally. They bear the meaning of what he is. He exposes himself to a doll, and then uses it or kills it. They are reflections of himself, but they also remind him that he is separate from humanity. Rather than cutting himself off and pretending to be in-tune to his humanity, Damon keeps humans around him to remind him of his difference. It's self-torture. And it's more complicated than just a collection of dolls. 

. . . . . I'd love to do more with this, especially taking this concept from the perspective of Damon as the feminine element to Stefan's masculine element - an idea that occurred to me when I realized how similar Damon is to Dean Winchester < a character that I refuse to read as a biological male, because he is coded in his series as the feminine element in contrast to Sam's masculinity. ... This is not going to happen today.

2.12 "The Descent"

This episode was a game-changer for me. It will be - and is - and will always be - my very favorite episode. Damon completely stole my heart in this episode. 

When I get right down to it, Damon is interesting regardless of Elena. And Elena is interesting regardless of Damon. As much as I love these kids - and as much as I love Delena scenes - I find I prefer episodes that deal with Damon in his own right. He (almost) seems to belong to a different series. It's like what I was saying with Alaric and Damon - they're adults in this mainly high school-aged world. And it's episodes like this that are so telling in that regard. Damon and Rose don't seem to belong to the same narrative that hold Caroline and Jeremy. Which is why I can say without any irony that Jeremy and Caroline are my favorite characters. But Damon is my favorite vampire. (It may seem like I'm saying that the show is disjointed, and that is not at all my intention - it's complex and has varied storylines that all fit in one universe, which is why I love it.)

This was it for me, this episode - watching Damon deal with the death of one of his only friends. Watching Elena deal with Damon dealing with the death of one of his only friends. It's incredible writing and storytelling and character.... 

This is the moment. The moment when I decided that I was in for keeps. And it wasn't just about marathoning my life out of a depression - or finally finding a paper topic - it was about having my heart completely stolen by this show.

Gone to the Dark Side: TVD 1.01

No rating yet, because I know too much about the plot (as it is happening now) and am not sure if I'm ready to get in this series and stick around...

Initial thoughts:

- Elena and Stefan are not as obnoxious as I thought they would be. (I've seen a random episode from the current season and I know that Elena is going to get on my nerves quick - but here, I forgave her and actually liked her more than I thought I would.) I need Stefan to reveal to Elena who she is - but that's too large of a plot point to reveal too quickly. Since I know what's what - I'm okay with it being dragged out for a while.
- "Uncle Stefan" = lolz!
- Stefan showing up the History Teacher - so many fist pumps!!! I've been dreaming of a "teen" vamp who actually knows his/her history and makes use of said knowledge in the classroom (and/or to woo the acceptably-nerdy heroine... someday this will happen, also)
- Bonnie is my faves and I wants to see more of her.
- Mystic Falls is a hilarious name for a town. Yeay for all the ridiculously creepy settings with really big trees and lots of moss. As much as it pains me to say: the new trope is for vamps to hang out in NW small towns with lots of really, really big - shadowy trees == wonderful! I'm a Washingtonian stuck in the Sacramento Valley - I get my kicks gawking at pictures of trees. Trees + angsty vamps = okay by me
- I get that Stefan = Angel-brood and Damon  = Spike-recklessness ... and I'm so down for that. (You thought I was going to say something negative, didn't you - hahahaha, sucka) Damon-lusting, here I come!
- Predisposed to not love Elena. Not that I dislike her, or hate her, I'm just not really getting why she's the end-all, be-all chick of the series/story. I think she's interesting (I love her relationship with her aunt/brother already - she's a genuinely good person), but I'm not blown away. Like - I'd have a coffee date with her every few months, but there's no way we'd be besties ... but that's sort of how I feel about Buffy, also.

Conclusion: Not writing it off yet. Trying really, really hard to fall in love with Elena - but I really don't see it happening. What can I say? I'm a rebel :)

Supernatural 4:21 & 22

"When the Levee Breaks"
Rating: 3/5

I wasn't completely blown away by this episode. I was confused as to whether what was happening in Sam's head was all Sam or if it was Ruby's blood manipulating him. Since in the next episode he hears a completely different voice-mail message, I'm starting to feel now like the blood has manipulated his thought process for a long while. Kind of like a Harry Potter... always being manipulated/affected by the aspect of Voldy's soul ... this is how I feel about Sam this season. Which makes it hard. Because I never liked him - and I really had issues with his treatment of Dean in this episode. If I'm supposed to swallow this now and think of him fondly in hindsight - it's not really going to work. It didn't work for Harry, it's not going to work for Sam. Sorry guys.

A little frustrated with Bobby for not really seeing the big picture. And yeah - it would be hard to accept the fact that Dean is willing to kill his brother to save him, but I think that's what recovering from addiction is like: part of the person is going to die, going to be repressed down to its smallest part. And detoxing is hard on the family as well. I think the writing was... well, as usual - a little too on the nose. I really need these writers to learn some subtlety, it's becoming part of the characters (yes), but it's annoying as all get-out.


"Lucifer Rising"
Rating: 3/5

Once again, minus points for the lack of subtlety.

Let's start with how much the "evolution" of Ruby from demon-lover to demon-manipulator was SO lame. All of the great characterization from the last season, where she seems to honestly remember being human and had a stronger connection with Dean than Sam. I loved that Ruby - I thought she was badass. I want that Ruby back, somehow. There must be more to her story that we didn't get. Which is bad writing. Straight up. It's not bad writing that Ruby switched sides, it's bad writing because there was no character-driven reason for the switch. I have a theory that it wasn't actually Ruby this whole season - that our Ruby from S3 is actually trapped below and will come back someday and say "Sorry guys, someone stole my name." < I can dream, can't I?

Let's go to the good characterization: my boy Castiel. Oh man. He's a stunner. I have nothing else to say but this: I "accidentally" read an episode description for the season that is airing now. I know where Cas is going. It will keep me going, guys - no joke I can't wait to see his development. This episode, I know without a doubt, is the tip of the iceberg of what Castiel is capable of.
I actually really dig the roles that Dean and Sam were "created" to play - the summoner and the destroyer. I loved the image of Dean looking up at the medieval knight and knowing that he can't play that part. I love that this series is actually dealing with (1) how corrupt the mythology is on both sides  and  (2) how the apocalypse is not just about hell opening - it's about "ending" the war between heaven and hell. (Honestly I always thought in BtVS it was a ridiculous use of the term apocalypse.) 


I'm really glad I made it to the end of this season. I took a huge break from SPN. But I'm trying to make my life normal again. And telling all of you how much I hate Sam - is getting back to normal.

That Long Lost

Five years ago I started to say goodbye to the little things. Things I didn't think I'd miss, places and people I thought wouldn't leave a void to be filled.
I attached myself to a shooting star and left the sky I knew.
It was beautiful and simple and sweet. A sky lit up with very few stars and only occasional wonder, but full and simple and quiet. I was peaceful and happy, floating alongside something so new.
But you can only hold on to a person for so long.

And now I'm feeling the void of things let go. Before, He filled that void. Which is the way it is supposed to be. Partners help and fill and hold eachother... It's not being half a person, it is having a rock to lean on, a warm hand to hold when things get choppy. Someone to conquer your fears of being alone on this crazy train. Before, it wasn't even a void, it was just a gentle sense of missing parts of myself that centered on my independence and selfish-self. The self that didn't think about Him. It was the right thing to do, it is something we all do - unconsciously or no - to make relationships work.

Now I feel the void. I feel the things I pushed aside, said goodbye to. Those aspects of myself I repressed or hid to keep the waters calm.

I remember most the people I lost. Five years is too long, too vast, to get back. I missed events and changes is the lives of people that I care very deeply about. At the time, it was worth it... It seemed worth it: let go of a few people/places/things/aspects of self - in order to invest properly in a long-term commitment. At 18, anything was worth it.

Losing time with people. Losing the ability to watch people you care about grow into the best version of themselves, the version that you believed in at every turn more than reality ... It's the worst kind of loss.

Because Romance is not the only place where we need a helping hand, need someone to believe and have faith in us. Taking that away, investing all that emotional capita in one person... Is the most selfish thing I have ever done. We all have the positive energy and will to support everyone we meet... Well, that's the way it should be, right? If we all held out our arms and hearts to the world. If everyone supported each other always... No one would ever feel cut off or lost or alone.

And no one ever should.

Supernatural 4:12-16

So I'm skipping over the episode-by-episode review to just say that as much as I love this show and love this project, I'm emotionally exhausted. So brief (and by brief I truly mean brief) notes for this group of episodes...

• Angel Anna - Possibly the coolest frackin thing to happen to this series.
•  I love the moment(s) with Dean and his Reaper. It reminded me of the section of His Dark Materials when the children meet people who keep their Deaths in their lives. It's comforting for them, and I loved Dean's acknowledgment that his Death (Tessa) was the thing missing from his life. Their connection... I believed it. Truly, honestly. And it was needed.
• I actually enjoyed the flashback episode. It was Sam-centric, sure. But I think we learned just as much about Dean. Or maybe I'm looking for things about Dean :) I thought it was wonderful to see the moment in which Sam was told not to be in the family business (why we still dwell on that, not sure - this reveal should have happened in S1) and the moment when Dean stopped feeling like the hero of the family. That it happened so young - and that it was in a moment of extreme teenage douchebaggery - makes a lot of sense.
• I got annoyed with Sam's "Dean's not strong enough" bullhookey. Yes, Dean should not have been sent to torture a demon by the angels... but Castiel knew that. It seemed more like a test for Castiel than Dean in the long run. In the end, it's because of this trauma that Cas begins to doubt his world --- unfortunately, it ends up just being Uriel. Oh well, the possibility for development is still there.
• Oh yeah - drinking demon blood? Gross, Sam. Supa gross.

I'm loving this show right now. I promise better reviews soon... but I'm not even doing my hmw right now, let alone keeping up with SPN and blogging.

Someday I'll adjust to the single life.

Saying what's easier to hear

When I was growing up, my favorite fairy tales were "Bluebeard" and "Donkeyskin" ... Yet, had I been asked I would have told you "Beauty and the Beast" was my favorite.
I have always attributed this reaction to the fact that generally young girls are asked "Who's your favorite Disney Princess" not "What is your favorite fairy tale" ...
Today it occurred to me that it was easier to say that I vocally identified with Beauty because, let's face it, isn't a rebel. She's basically the perfect model of femininity. She bends the rules, but doesn't break them. Her skills and interests Rene toward the domestic. She is "the angel in the house" that I aspired, my entire childhood, to emulate and be. Because that's what good little Mormon girls do.

Donkeyskin and Bluebeard are stories about women who break the rules, rebel, take their lives in their own hands... And aren't punished. They live, they survive, and they don't need a bloody fairy godmother or singing rodents to accomplish their goals. And they frackin rock.

And another semester begins...

RL things... In list-form!

- Last Thursday my boyfriend of five years broke up with me. It wasn't unexpected and pretty mutual. He's still my #1 fan, and I his, but... Still, emotional heartbreak thy name is Kelpy.

- Monday classes started again. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to start working on my prospectus for the awesome thesis I'm about to write (that is crazy and out of my field and really scary and god I'm in way over my head and it is fantastic)... But the stress! Oh the stress will be large this semester:

* Victorian Texts and Sex
* The Gothic Novel

Each with a reading list that would scare undies away from the Engl program for life. I love being an MA student ;)

- I've decided to do a Lost IntroCast starting in Jan/Feb of next year.

- Carnivale might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

- I have some amazing RL friends that are very helpful in this time of transition... Thank goodness.

- I have thinky thoughts about just about everything... But not today.

- I finished a disc of SPN somewhere in the middle of this mess... Do not expect an analysis. I liked it. I'd like to now move on.

Buffy Thoughts... Season by Season

So... I've been listening to GAKS go through BtVS and it's been frustrating, entertaining, unnerving... and every time I write in: a little demeaning. And the pages... oh lordy the facebook pages dedicated to the fans of this podcast. I leave, I come back, I bait, I fight, I ignore, I roll my eyes. It is nothing like what I have in the Spuffy-corner of livejournal. It's all fangirly. And not even the good kind with giggling and swooning. The nasty, abrasive, "if you have a different opinion than me I will personally attack you until you stop talking" ... which is so icky and yucky and just makes me yell pirate-y growls at the computer screen. What happens more often than not is the "I don't like this... let's talk about the fact that we hate this" and I know, I know, that this is not an unusual conversation to happen in a fandom forum. But really guys? That's all that's really happening.
So ... the conversation came up: Why we Hate Season Four. And I was about to contribute... but then I was thinking about why I like the seasons that I like and why I dislike the seasons that I dislike. And then I remembered... I am an English Major. I love things for entirely different reasons than pure, emotional response. So here it is: My run-down of every season (with an emphasis on Buffy's arc)

Season One
This was my first completely owned and completely watched from beginning to end straight through season. And it was the only one I had for a good four years. So I watched it... way more than the average viewer watched the first season. So I love it. I totally love it. I love that each episode is a remake of a classic horror story brought to high school. I love that you can see, even early on, that Whedon has a weird fear of mothers and, actually... possibly, the very act of parenting all together.
I also adore Season One Buffy. Basically I blame SMG. Once the writers found out Buffy can be a kick-ass bitch, she lost her initial softness. I love how fragile and feminine Season One Buffy is. And I mean that in a positive way. She's resourceful - every demon/badness she defeats is through cunning and knowledge. Season One Buffy is a smartie. She relies on school-knowledge to kill baddies. And it rocks. I love bizarre knowledge about bizarre things, and seeing a kick-ass female pull out knowledge to be even more kick-ass... it thrills me. Post Season One Buffy is not a smartie. She's resourceful, but more often than not she seems completely lost in class and in conversations about anything other than demonology. Hate it. This alteration, as a smart female, bothers me to no end. That's why Season One Buffy is my favorite Buffy. She's not too thin, she wears knee-high boots, she has bizarre taste in boys, she uses school knowledge, she befriends the friendless, she questions the validity of the baddie - she has intuition about people. She freakin' rocks.
The writing isn't always perfect, so what? The camp gets overboard, and Xander gets off too easily (as per usual), but overall it's a solid season. I don't even mind the "monster of the week" episodes, because I know where it's going and think every episode is clever.

Season Two
After just watching this season through, I find that it's more effective than I usually give it credit for. I have a hard time with the die-hard BAngle-iness, but the great thing about Season Two, is that their relationship is truly questioned and played with. Yes, Whedon is an ass for punishing female sexuality the way he did... does... repeatedly. But it works within the universe he has created. For all that we have half a season of mooning, swooning, brooding Angel... we also have a full season of Spike and Drusilla, half a season of Angelus (and therefore actual acting from David Boreanaz).
A couple of my favorite episodes are in this season:
"Lie To Me": which is the most awesomely ironic episode of the entire series. The only thing that comes remotely close is the Cheese Man in terms of overt post-modern self-commentary. Ford is my favorite one-off baddie. One day I'll write a full essay on the topic of Ford alone, and it will be the awesomest awesome.
"I Only Have Eyes For You": is possibly in my top ten episodes. I love how much it questions and plays with the BAngel relationship. And playing with the idea of doomed love is interesting - investing in it, taking it seriously - not the awesome - questioning it is the coolest.

Season Three
Everything that I loved about Season Two they throw under the bus in Season Three. BAngel is taken too seriously, Buffy is way too self-absorbed in all that drama, and Faith... Faith's my girl, okay? I don't like the treatment of Faith, by either the writers, the Watcher's Council, or Buffy. There's far too many "monster of the week" episodes and there's some real problems with consistency in this season. Some stand alone episodes make no sense, character-wise...
It's frustrating that Buffy's entire look is changed. There are moments where she's full-on 50's housewife and it's... okay. So I was angry with Season Two Buffy because she wasn't quite up to the par of excellence that Season One Buffy gave us. I'm even more disappointed with Season Three Buffy. She's not the Buffy I fell in love with. She's harsh in a bizarre, fake-California-tan kinda way. She reminds me of the girls I didn't like in High School. She should be the champion for the outcast... instead she creates outcasts. She and the Scoobies become the elite. It's never more evident than in this season that Willow and Xander have been pulled out of anonymity... but they are the lucky few. And that bugs. Really grates on my nerves.
But there's Faith. Poor, damaged, abused, neglected Faith. And there's Willow - who really begins to grow into herself. The series finale - the dream sequence is amazing. Faith's emotional weakness is amazing. She's amazing.
Basically, I hate the BAngel-iness of this season. It ruins it for me. The melodrama feels like sloppy writing to me. I honestly feel like the whole series would have been better off had Angel left the series at the beginning of S3 instead of the end.
My knitting-friend said something to me recently that made me realize that 1-3 are really about nostalgia. And they are. Even as they paint High School as the hellmouth - it's still glamorized. To the point of being sickening at times. Season Four still has this... but not to the same extent. Who really has three best friends who stand up with you no matter what in High School? Who has perfect moments? Who really even enjoyed High School? (I have a real problem with the Hollywoodization of High School... guess what, puberty isn't glamorous or monstrous - it's just any other time. A highly overrated time.)

Season Four
Even though there are some great episodes, and Tara is a total kindred spirit... This is my least favorite season. Like in every other season, the more we get away from Season One Buffy - the less I like her. In this season, she's teeny-tiny. No seriously. Riley is no bigger than Angel, and yet Buffy looks like a toddler in comparison to him. He dwarfs her and monopolizes the screen every time they are in a scene together. It's claustrophobic. And demeaning to my hero. It's my main reason for disliking 4. Adam = lame. Initiative = lame. But do we really need the actual imagery of the heroine to be demeaning? To show her as small and ineffectual? It's badness I say!

But then today I had an epiphany about it:: 

Selfishness is a really interesting aspect of Season Four and it intrigues me a lot. I think the Initiative is possibly the least effective big bad... but I think by placing Restless last, Whedon suggests to the audience that Adam really wasn't the point - their relationships were the point. The big bad of the season is actually their maturation progression. Which is actually pretty interesting. It links the season to 6 - in which the Trio are only a distraction to the self-destruction that is happening to all the Scoobies.

Aha! You could almost say that 4 and 6 are mirror images of each other. In 4 the Scoobies are growing and therefore growing apart, finding and investing in outside interests. Not out of a willful selfishness, but just as a consequence of becoming adults. Likewise, in 6 the Scoobies all turn inward, ignoring each other because they are all battling inner wounds (I've read a series of essays about 6 being basically a how-to guide to depression which was very evocative). In the end, it's only by reaching back to each other that they "win".

For all that Adam is the lamest of the lame... without 4 and esp "The Yoko Factor" the power of S6 would be completely lost.

Season Five
Family is my favorite episode. 5 is my favorite season. Because this is a Buffy I can get behind. A big-sister Buffy. I get that. I never really was able to identify with her, now I can. And Dawn reminds me immensely of my own kid-sister. Who is taller than me, also. I enjoy the whole arc because I feel like every episode we are working our way toward the ending.
Season 4 was about breaking up, 5 is about forging a family unit and all that a family means. Family that you are saddled with, Family that you choose, Family that you give up, Family that is taken away. Which means that there is loss. Buffy is completely broken down one notch at a time. Everything in her world is turned upside down - more than once. And she breaks. She falls. She. Is. Awesome. I never find Buffy particularly whiny, more ... introspective and self-involved (and rightly so, I might add), but in 5 I feel that Buffy starts to find her way back to pre-Master Buffy. Season One Buffy makes a comeback. She takes it all back on, school - Slayer duties/training - and she rocks at it. She takes it all on and then some. And she never backs down. Possibly what I love about this season is that Buffy is growing so independent... but not in a self-destructive way, more in a "I'm a big sister now" kind of way.
There are some amazing one-offs in this season. Spike's arc grows and grows in a delightful way. But I really love this season for Buffy. The Scoobies get me through the earlier seasons, but it's Buffy that I love in 5.

And Dawn. God how I love Dawnie. I think it's magnanimously important that Dawn's first act post-monks is to ditch Xander as major crush and turn to Spike. IMPORTANT. A plot line that the writers dropped. Dawn suffers from the writers not knowing what to do with her, not lack of interesting possibilities.
Dawnie is my heart-song. For Realsies.

Season Six
The selfishness exuded by the Scoobies in 6 just... it's perturbing. But I love 6. I really, honestly do. It's dark and it's real. 5 was all about losing nostalgia and transitioning into a very dark place. 6 is - well, you're in it, hunny. That dark place? You're sleeping with it, you're using it as a drug, you're running away from it, you're engaged to it, you're abusing it... You are the dark place. And really, to do that over an entire season, as slowly and painstakingly as they did. Bravo to the writers. 5 does a good job of finally getting to a season-long arc place. But 6 perfects it. There is not an episode that can be taken out or replaced. All the characters are moving along at breakneck speed and guess what - there's no slowing down and there's no stopping this progression. (Joss pretends to in 7, but everything picks back up again in 8.) Every arc is fully explored and every character is always moving forward. And like I said above - 6 is very much an internal journey. Each character has issues that can only be solved by them withdrawing from each other. The Scoobies? They don't help each other as much as they could... and they shouldn't. It wouldn't be real if they did.
Six is not just about Buffy and Spike doin' the nasty every which way (which is more frustrating than rewarding because between the two actors they lost about 50 lbs neither could really spare in the first place), but it is an interesting reward to seasons of oversized, broody men in Buffy's sheets. Sex is still not a good... in fact, it's still the baddest and darkest of all the dark, bad places... but Buffy's sexuality is her own. She owns it, for the first time in her life.
Plus, "Tabula Rasa" and "Once More with Feeling" are amazing.

Season Seven
I don't dislike 7 the way I get the feeling a lot of fandom do. Like 6, it's solid from top to bottom. Even if some episodes seem to get in the way, there's always a season-long development happening. Unlike 4-6, this season is not big on Scooby character development. In fact, the Scoobies are pretty set. They know how the apocalypse works and how they fit into stopping it. Rather, characters like Spike, Dawn, Anya, and Faith (even Wood) get a lot more development time, because they can. The season only works if the Scoobies are solid and unshakable. Yes, there's conflict, but not character-shaking/changing conflict. The story is more important in this season than the main Scoobies. Which is okay by me. I like seeing established characters thrown into something they think they can handle. And I like all the new characters seeing this for the first time, questioning the way things always have been done. If Buffy was having life-changing, character-altering things happening in this season, the Slayerettes would be way too much. They wouldn't serve their purpose: to question what we know about how the Scoobies operate. Which they do. It annoys the audience. But it's self-reflective, and you have to give the writing team props for that... not just doing one episode (Ford/The Cheese Man, etc) but writing an entire season of :: "See - that's why the world works this way"
Also, this season brings out chauvinism and says "Gotcha!". There's a more eloquent way to describe the history of the Slayer and the scythe and the sharing of power and all that, but that's basically what happens. All the underlying issues with the Watcher's Council --- really, with the Slayer powers themselves, get questioned, explained, lather, rinse, repeat. It's awesome.

Season Eight
I don't care what anyone says, 8 is a Faith and Willow season. Buffy? She screws up. Royally. Angel? Is a pain in the ass. Royally. Spike? Is a tease set upon us by the writers to keep Spuffy fans interested. Royally. Dawnie? Is totally destroyed and I'm pretending that the whole Xander thing is a sick, twisted joke.... or maybe that Dawnie isn't the real Dawn. Anyway, let's not talk about that.
Let's talk about Faith and Giles. And how they are the true heroes of this season. Because they do what others can't. They pick up Buffy's mess. They confront the bad that was supposed to be all good. They bond and are dark do-gooders. And then... they are the martyrs. Giles for Buffy's sake and Faith for Angel's. And... there needed to be more. There needed to be so much more of them. The two of them. Together, battling and fighting and doing the right thing that no one else has the balls to do.
And Willow, poor Willow, is once again set upon a path of destruction she can never really recover from.
I don't have much else to say about 8 because, really ... it wasn't Whedon's best work. He went too big and too vast and really messed everything up out of a sick, perverted desire to mess everything up. And Buffy was the victim in this. Really really.

But now he can pick up the pieces. And I'm excited to see that.

Because if this exercise has taught me anything, it's that I like to see him fix things. That's what 5-7 are about, fixing what is broken. The team fell apart? Put it back together! And it's sloppy, and there are cracks, and water leaks through onto the floor and you constantly have to re-glue, re-fashion. Because once something is broken, it will always have scars and it will break again and again... sometimes along the same lines as before, and sometimes along new ones. But it will never be completely healed. These are the Scoobies. And this is why I prefer the later seasons of the tv series. Because 1-4 is all about remembering being whole, becoming whole, finding ways to be whole and be loved... but it doesn't last. And that, the act of remembering and being nostalgic for a time and place that didn't exist, and then pushing off and realizing everything was broken to begin with? <-- THAT is what 5-7 is about. Letting go of the nostalgia for something that didn't actually exist in the first place.

Anecdote

My father-in-law has taken over the living room the past two days, and therefore the tv with netflix, so I took up S1 of LOST in my room with my knitting. And just when I get to Tue part where Locke and Boone are out scouting and Locke predictably the rain... I realize that I need to indoctrinate Roomie.

So there we are, it is episode one. It starts.
I hear her call out: Is this like Survivor on crack?
I let it go.

And then: This is about a plane crash, right?
I let it go.

And the black smoke monster starts tearing down trees.
I pause the dvd: This isn't just some show about some people in a plane crash
Roomie: Okay! Okay! I get it!
Are you in for six?
Yes okay I'm in!

And then I pressed play.

If there's any other way to convince my ADD Roomie to invest herself into six seasons of the craziness that is this series... I don't know it. And I don't care. Torture is way too entertaining.

Reflections on Dr. Who, season the first

While knitting, I alternate between watching Stargate SG-1 and Dr. Who. And I knit quite a bit these days. So today I was able to get through the last few episodes of season one of the Doctor, and here are my reactions (mostly in reverse order)::


WHY???? WHY NEW DOCTOR WHY???? I'M NOT READY!!!!!!!!

That was about it. 

Oh wait... there was also ... 

HOLY BALLSACK A BISEXUAL MALE ON TELEVISION THAT ISN'T A COMPLETE STEREOTYPE, MOCKED, OR HARRASSED!!!

Rose has a knack for picking up guys to bring along for the ride. Mikey is lame - I hope we don't have to deal with him much longer. That one with the chip in his brain - serves him right. But oh, bless my stars, Cap'n Jack was adorable. The repore that the three had on the Tardis several times just clenched at my little heart, their banter made me want those scenes to never end. The kiss in the season finale was just priceless and bravo to everyone involved for not making it ridiculous. 

Early on I found the relationship between the Doctor and Rose to be the most important aspect of the show. I loved that even in the "first" season (yes, yes, it existed before, but the first season of even a reboot can have some ... minor bumps) this is brought to the forefront. His kiss at the end of the finale reminded me of Cordy kissing Angel to take the visions away - which made it a major plus. 

I really love it all. I'm nervous about a new doctor because I really got attached to Christopher Eccleston's performance. 

Novel

When I think of my novel... this is what I think of::

This is all beautiful work and was totally inspiring. Eventually I'll start writing again....

Supernatural 4.7 & 8

4.7 "It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester"


Okay. So I have many thoughts on this episode. I need to start doing my review the second that I get done with the episode, but I need time to let it all stir around in my brain juice.


This episode's rating: 8/10 ... and 3/5 ... let me explain:::


Sam: [Upon meeting Castiel for the first time] Oh, my God! Er, ah, I didn't mean to... sorry. 


Sam's reaction to the Angels was... priceless. I know that it's supposed to be "I'm a religious person and everything I hoped was true, is now standing in front of me" but I got more of a "Holy Shit-Balls! I'm in trouble!" His nervousness and fear, at standing in front of two Angels, was a perfect counter-point to Dean's relative calm. Here are two semi-hostile supernatural creatures, that we don't have to immediately figure out how to destroy, and Dean is ... well, Dean. He handles the situation. Since standing up to John and then dealing with hell, Dean has a new set of balls. And unlike Samuel, who is in a position of feeling necessary reverence and respect for Castiel and Uriel, Dean already knows that if he wants any leverage in his relationship with Castiel then he has to take power whenever he can. 


Castiel... this kid cracks me up. He's always staring right into Dean's eyes like Dean is a toy or a puzzle that he just can't figure out. So far, the best moment of this was in their first meeting, when Castiel realized that Dean just doesn't like himself. Now it seems like everything Dean says Castiel is weighing very carefully against some other knowledge that we don't really have at this point. It's great. This actor is perfect, all of his acting is really in his very subtle body language and facial expressions. Which is perfect since Dean operates in a similar manner. There's a ham in there - but in serious moments, everything is quite subtle and can be taken for granted as almost the opposite. Versus Sam - everything is on his chest and over-acted all the time. Bad acting. But it might be why the writers sometimes totally screw with Dean's character - it's like some of them only read the words this man says and forget that they have a fantastic actor performing them in a unique way. (And this is why we have episodes where Dean is "Mr. Playboy" or "Mr. Hardass" or "Mr. Dick" <- none make any sense when you see Jensen Ackles perform... but I digress.) 


So here we are, there's a witch in town and the boys have to stop her/his evil plans ('cause witches are ALWAYS evil, straight up) because if s/he succeeds, then one of the seals is broken and out comes Lucifer and all of hell to play. And Sam whines and Dean stands up. And Uriel is a big-time creeper. And Castiel is curious and amazed.


Can I wax poetics about Castiel for just a second? I love that he is so... almost child-like in his dealings with Dean. He has "orders" that he must follow, which is great to know because it places him in a warrior-class, but everything Dean says is so beyond his frame of reference. Uriel is dismissive and demeaning towards humans, but Castiel has this whole shock-and-awe thing going for him. Nice to see another Angel and be able to weigh his reactions to Castiel's.


Uriel:  The only reason you're still alive, Sam Winchester, is because you've been useful. But the moment that ceases to be true, the second you become more trouble than you're worth, one word, one, and I will turn you to dust. 


Sam practically peeing himself when he sees the Angels for the first time = not so priceless. Sam using his demon-powers and then telling a "superior" creature that they are the assholes = why this rating wavers between a 3 and an 8 on my rating scale. Dean and Sam both have blind faith when it suits their own purposes - much like EVERY religious person I have EVER met. Dean thinks the Angels are kinda sketchy, but is down with their prohibition on Sam's demony-powers. Sam thinks the Angels are noble, brave, and true... total grovelling-worthy guys - until one of them points out that he's an ass for using power he doesn't know (a) how to control or (b) it's original purpose. 


Sam, in this Angel-worshipping scenario, comes off as much more of an ass. His attitude (which I've known in my religious family all my life) is: As long as we agree, god and I are cool. But the second I want to do something he doesn't like, I don't need him. These are the kind that come running back to ultra-conservative beliefs once they fall. Religion is a crutch. These are also the kind that end up following ridiculous rules for no reason.


Dean, however, is much more interesting. He's more like a someday-may-convert-guy rather than a die-hard-born-and-raised-guy. His attitude seems more: I'm not really sure, but when we agree on stuff, I take that very strongly to heart. But -  I'm going to disagree with you, which is okay because you aren't human. Which is arms-flailing-fascinating. To bring religion to a level of human vs. non-human.... in which the "big picture" is all one knows, or the small-stuff is all one knows... very interesting, and very unique. Dean seems to totally understand that the Angels have a hard time grounding themselves in human-reality, because they have no real connection to it.


And a subtle distinction. Why does Sam's attitude piss me off? Because it's true. Why doesn't Dean's? Because it's how I wish more people would act. I've really had it up to my limit with the religious-right lately. Ack! Digression.

Castiel: You misunderstand me Dean. I'm not like you think. I was praying that you would choose to save the town. 
Dean: You were? 
Castiel: These people, they're all my father's creations. They're works of art. And yet, even though you stopped Samhain the seal was broken and we are one step closer to Hell on Earth for all creation. And that's not an expression Dean. It's literal. You of all people should appreciate what that means. Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul? 
Dean: Okay. 
Castiel: I'm not a hammer, as you say. I have questions. I-I have doubts. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But, in the coming months, you will have more decisions to make. I don't envy the weight that's on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don't.

This is my closer. Something big is going on with Dean and Castiel. And it's all I want to see. The monster-of-the-week bothers me, we all know this. The relationship between Dean and Sam is completely hindered by bad writing and Padalecki's bad over-acting. After three seasons of Sam-the-Demon-General and Golden Boy, with poor Dean just hanging on to his coat-tails for deal life, dealing with the ever-looming presence of impending death; NOW, finally, Dean is being set up as Dean-the-Angel-General and potential Golden Boy. And since I saw this coming in the first episode (seriously - let's set up a Prodigal Son motif and spend THREE years pretending that we didn't = serious thorn in my side) I'm ready. I'm on the ride, I've been slowly creeping up the tall, tall, tall-tall, drop and I can finally see the tracks beginning to bend forward. I'm ready for the drop. I'm ready for this ride to get serious, for the characters to really start moving towards ... anything.

The boys:

Dean: 7/5 for standing up

Sam: 2/5 for being a douche

Castiel: 10/5 for being a confused Angel - TOO CUTE!!

4.8 "Wishful Thinking"

Dean: I shouldn't have lied to you. I do remember everything that happened to me in the pit. Everything. [...]  I won't lie anymore, but I'm not gonna talk about it. [...] You really think that a little heart-to-heart, some sharing and caring, is going to change anything? Huh? Somehow heal me? I'm not talking about a bad day here. [...] The things that I saw, there aren't words, there is no forgetting, there's no making it better. Because it is right here, forever. You wouldn't understand and I could never make you understand. So I am sorry.

Why do I feel like Dean has had to say this to Sammy before? Oh right, because he has at least a half-dozen times. Pre-hell Dean finally opened up and Sam had what to say? Oh right, absolutely nothing. Post-hell Dean is not obligated to tell Sam anything. Because he's right, talking to the person you love about hell (literally or figuratively) doesn't make anyone feel better. It's about damn time Dean finally said this, the right way. Now - I know, because I'm watching this show, that the writers will force these characters to have this conversation a few million more times before Sam gets it through his thick head that he's pushing the wrong button. 

But! I'm hoping that when/if we get details about hell, it will be between Dean and Castiel. After seeing the park-bench heart-to-heart between Cas and Dean in the last episode, any emotional connection that I could have had with this scene between Dean and Sam was gone. Because really, after going to hell and back you feel the need to apologize to your brother for not being Mr. Sharing? All kinds of wrong.

The boys:

Sam: 2/5 - good detective work, but needs to stop being so whiny

Dean: 5/5 - for saying what needed to be said

Castiel: sadface - for not being present