Five years ago I started to say goodbye to the little things. Things I didn't think I'd miss, places and people I thought wouldn't leave a void to be filled.
I attached myself to a shooting star and left the sky I knew.
It was beautiful and simple and sweet. A sky lit up with very few stars and only occasional wonder, but full and simple and quiet. I was peaceful and happy, floating alongside something so new.
But you can only hold on to a person for so long.
And now I'm feeling the void of things let go. Before, He filled that void. Which is the way it is supposed to be. Partners help and fill and hold eachother... It's not being half a person, it is having a rock to lean on, a warm hand to hold when things get choppy. Someone to conquer your fears of being alone on this crazy train. Before, it wasn't even a void, it was just a gentle sense of missing parts of myself that centered on my independence and selfish-self. The self that didn't think about Him. It was the right thing to do, it is something we all do - unconsciously or no - to make relationships work.
Now I feel the void. I feel the things I pushed aside, said goodbye to. Those aspects of myself I repressed or hid to keep the waters calm.
I remember most the people I lost. Five years is too long, too vast, to get back. I missed events and changes is the lives of people that I care very deeply about. At the time, it was worth it... It seemed worth it: let go of a few people/places/things/aspects of self - in order to invest properly in a long-term commitment. At 18, anything was worth it.
Losing time with people. Losing the ability to watch people you care about grow into the best version of themselves, the version that you believed in at every turn more than reality ... It's the worst kind of loss.
Because Romance is not the only place where we need a helping hand, need someone to believe and have faith in us. Taking that away, investing all that emotional capita in one person... Is the most selfish thing I have ever done. We all have the positive energy and will to support everyone we meet... Well, that's the way it should be, right? If we all held out our arms and hearts to the world. If everyone supported each other always... No one would ever feel cut off or lost or alone.
And no one ever should.
