SPN 5.2 "Good God, Ya'll"

Basically all I have to say about this episode is: saw the plot coming in the teaser. Wasn't expecting Ellen and Jo, though -  that was a lovely surprise!

Also - I love, love, love Ellen's interactions with Dean. They are perfection of all the perfect scenes of all. I love that she shows so very little interest in Sam, that she immediately is angry at Dean for not keeping in contact. There's family there, but that doesn't matter to Sam nearly as much as it does Dean - and I love that Ellen knows that so well.... there's more below about this. But. LOVE. Kids. I love this show sometimes.

Rating: 3/5 - extra points for Jo&Ellen and Ellen&Dean fancy

Favorite boy: Dean. (I may stop doing this ... )

And now... An email I sent myself earlier in the week::::

A thought I just had - re: early S5 SPN

 

I read Dean as female. I've made this statement before, and I stand by it. In a perfect world, Dean would have been Deanna and she would have been kick-ass. As it is, Dean is consistently represented as the domestic brother - the caregiver, the compassionate, the self-sacrificing. He is the character who puts the most emphasis on family and the livelihood of the people he cares for. Ellen doesn't slap Sam for not keeping in contact - she turns her anger on Dean, she knows he is the one who is supposed to care, who is supposed to call. (oh there's so much to say about that dynamic I can't even....)

 

Anyway, it has NEVER been more clear in this series that Dean = feminine and Sam = masculine. Why, you ask?

 

Right now we're in a two-season arc of body-control or lack thereof. This series generally works in this way, one issue will be presented over a season - and the next season will take the opposite tact. S2- dad sacrifice, S3 - Dean sacrifice. Now we're in the follow-up to season 4's "Sam's addiction" with this problem: Dean as possible body for Gabriel. What we have to fight this season (besides Sam's continuing addiction to demon blood/drugs) is a hovering threat of rape. Yes, folks, because that's what is essentially at stake. Sam's lack of control over his body presents itself in an addiction (*coughbuffyseasonsixcough*) - but Dean's lack of control over his body presents itself as a threat of penetration - a threat of his body being used by a (male) someone bigger, stronger, and more aggressive than him.

 

Guise. This is epic huge. This is big stuff. And the writer's don't even mess around with this. It's straight up clear that Dean is the feminine element that the show seems to lack. Problematic? Hell yeah... especially since I know that Jo is doomed to die (probably in this season). And quite frankly, Jo should be a Winchester - I know it's more interesting for the writers to have sexual chemistry between Dean and Jo - but come on! Little Sister Jo would be so much more interesting than Potential Frack Jo. Any day. In my head - they are siblings. And Dean will end up when it's all over with his Reaper (their love is REAL)... or Anna. Hell, I don't really care which. The point is - the only way we're ever going to come to a point in which this show has anything redeeming to say about gender is if we let go of Jensen Ackles and embrace Dean as he is = the feminine.

 

 

These are my thoughts.

 

And they are making me wonder if, once I get through SPN and am caught up - if there is a parallel between this dynamic with the Salvatores (or even the Originals... 'cause let's face it, Klaus and Elijah are just another set of Salvatores) in terms of control and gender. tVD is tricky, because it's so much more complex. mmmm.....

Life and other things

It's funny. The past two years have been emotionally exhausting in every possible way.

My childhood was shitty and after I graduated HS, I made a silent promise to myself that I would live a calm, happy, loving life with people who loved and supported each other. And for a while I was able to just escape into my early 20's and that fiesta post-HS relationship that is all things optimism. I thought I had said goodbye to the angsty life that my parents represented. I cut myself off from the negative elements of my childhood that I felt were the source of all my drama and emotional upheaval.

Today I realized... Or rather, I let go of that optimism and found something new.

I've been feeling like, if I just cut out the drama, I could focus on school and my career and myself. That I could live in a drama-free bubble that only let in low levels of emotion. My ex, he lives his life this way. There's a layer between him and emotions, between him and the world. And I envied him.

Now that he's gone.... Or rather, when his bubble stopped protecting me I dealt with each problem that came along with as much detachment as possible. I thought that I could recreate the bubble.

The past year and a half, I've been constantly mystified by drama. It always felt as though there was some fluke in the universe. I was out of the drama. I had cut it out. I could avoid it forever.

But today I was reminded, that "drama" and emotional upheaval is what makes up life. And in order to live in a world on which people support and love people ... I'm going to have days of crying into my cell phone, sitting on the floor of the hallway in my work building. Because when someone I love has a problem, the walls have to come down. I can't live in an emotion-free bubble anymore.

It never suited me, anyway.

This means I'm probably going to have days where school and my thesis are going to be that element that seems surreal. This means that I'm going to need ALL the trolling comment ficathons at all times to keep me smiling and loving the world. This means that I'm going to be an emotional mess.

But that bubble is gone. I don't have to justify my emotional involvement in the world to anyone. I don't have to feel bad about loving so hard I cry when you cry. Or hating so hard that I yell. Or trying so hard to be supportive that a part of me breaks a little.

This is me, world. This is finally me. All floating wildly in the world, letting it all again.

Cause here's the thing: last week a bunch of bizarrely bad things happened. No day was complete without a total catastrophe. But it was a great week. I was just happy for the first time since B left. Happy even in the midst of disaster.

That's the thing about leaving the bubble: the good is GOOD and its worth all the bad. I'll cry for you because it hurts so good to feel.

SPN 5.1 "Sympathy for the Devil"

January is finally here. And January means no more wallowing in all the crap that I've been through the past couple of years. It means happiness, and focus, and dedication to my personal projects. It means that Supernatural is back in my life.


So I'm pretty sure that I've watched this episode three times and every time it's like the first time. Even now, five minutes later, I'm fuzzy on the details. I remember hilarious lines and wacky-fun happenings, but it's murky at best.


I was thinking of giving you all an actual walk-through review, but that's just not my style, kids. Let's just talk about the character development-y things, kay?

• Bobby's "Stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister"

What is FASCINATING to me about these two scenes - the first being when Bobby tells Sam that he's a douchebag preteen asshole that caused Armageddon and the second being Bobby telling Sam that he's family and can always come back - is Dean's FACE! It is literally the same expression in both scenes. He never flinches. There's no movement, no emotion. It's like for the first time Dean is (maybe not enjoying) but actually allowing Sam to go through emotional torture and punishment. No rushing to little brother's defense. No emotional reaction, merely watching and observing. This is not a Dean-norm. He's Mr. Man of Action guy. And I'm not trying to make everything about Dean (even though, if you've read any of my reactions to this series you know that I think everything is about Dean), but the repeated scene, the repeated reaction, the camera's attention to Dean's inaction... all important stuff people.

• Sam's constant puppy-face

Is puppy-like. Does this kid ever learn to vocalize without sighing?

• Angel-condom

"You simpering wad of insecurity and self-loathing? No. You're just a human, Dean. And not much one of them." 

I love this quote. That is all.

OH! And Castiel is my hero. 
He's also Dean's hero. THIS. This is good stuff, people. THIS is why I love Dean.

• Guilt, Dean's got it too - oh wait, you didn't catch that? Yeah, that's the point.

All of Sam's insecurities are always aired out, talked over, put "under the microscope" - people have to encourage him after they beat him down. Dean? Oh boy does he have guilt. He knows he's the first seal. Is he telling anyone? Is he going up to his baby brother with puppy eyes and saying "sorry for existing, guys"? Does he blurt out "sorry for selling my soul so that you could live and ending up in hell and torturing people and becoming the first seal"? 

No.

Why? 

Damon Salvatore can tell us: "You brood too much. My actions, I own them. They belong to me."

Damon and Dean... they're like long-lost blood brothers. They aren't about to put their problems on the shoulders of others.

It's also like what Dean complained about (re: Sam and John and their "I'm such a martyr" crap) - there's a fine line between selflessness and selfishness.  For Dean, this line is negligible. He knows that being the martyr is selfish, that wanting Sam to live is more about his own problem than Sam's. 

Being sorry =/= saying sorry. Saying sorry means that you are expecting forgiveness. Difference between Dean and Sam? Sam believes he's worth forgiving, and he'll force that sack of sorrys down your throat until he feels better about himself... even if that means putting his self-worth on the shoulders of others. Dean does not. He's not about to ask for forgiveness - what good would that do? It would make someone else feel guilty for not wanting to forgive.

Which is why I'm so proud of him at the end, for not giving in to Sam's selfishness. Sam is untrustworthy and Dean doesn't need to feel guilty for not trusting him. He does, you know he does. But he FINALLY has gotten the clue that maybe he doesn't need to.

My hope for the season: 

- that we see a continued progression in Sam's powers sans drug-addiction (let's just NOT dwell on the sex/blood/women/drugs metaphor right now, kay?)

- that ALL the scenes involve Dean and Castiel. 'Cause that's a ship I can get behind.

- that Meg gets a better host and is interesting again

- that Jo comes back and kicks everyone's ass for leaving her in the dark

- that Dean has at least ONE moment of happiness, one moment sans self-torture

- Jared Padelacki learns to act

Favorite Boy: Dean. Why is this even a section? Dean is always my favorite
Rating: 3.5/5 - there's good stuff here, but Sam just grates


Roomie's Favorite Boy: uh... Dean. Is that an actual question?
Roomie's Rating: 3/5 - not the greatest, in hindsight - what it's leading up to... it's just ridiculous