Random huff... more later

learning and education - it always makes you a better person, because everything that you learn widens your perspective and makes you realize all the things you don't know --- and the only way to get to a point where we actually care about other people, is when we care enough about ourselves to invest in ourselves

TVD: Top 10 Reasons Why this Show Stole My Heart

I finished VDiaries in less than a week. Yes, I was hungover for the first part of the marathon. And yes, I've decided to write a paper on it so it was quasi-legitimate "studying" during parts of it. But guys - this show stole my heart. Here are my top ten reasons/moments in which I completely flailed and realized I'll never stop loving/watching this show, in no particular order:

Jeremy Gilbert

There is no specific moment with this one. Every time Jeremy comes on screen I want the moment to pause so that I can hug him. He's a completely broken little boy, who gets up every morning trying to just make the ache go away. After Damon's compulsion-trick, Elena (and I) worried that his "new" behavior was somehow not him, but the first conversation that he has with Anna - I felt - proved that Damon took away the pain, not his personality. Jeremy's a brilliant guy, who needed an escape from his own mind and pain. Jeremy deals with his pain the same way his sister does: by nurturing other people who are hurting/need help. With Vicki - he threw himself in too far, he lost himself. Losing Vicki, and having the ability to let go of the pain, meant that he lost that part of himself that wallowed in self-destruction.

As much as I love Bonnie, I only want scenes with Jeremy and Anna. They met in a library!!! Their first conversations were about the metaphorical significance of vampirism during the Civil War! These kids are self-reflecting, they interrogate their own relationship as it is happening. They own me. And even though it's more important for Jeremy to love the living - and for Anna to be with Pearl (oh my heart) - this pairing is one of my favorites of the series. They are always so full of smiles for each other. (Which is in part that Jeremy lights up like a Christmas tree anytime he sees the girl he loves.) I love them.



The Bromances

Episode one I said: I want Jeremy and Tyler to be BFFs forever. I'm still waiting for this to get thick. I'm hoping that in their "I betrayed my girlfriend and now am at a loss" states we'll see more of them together. It is all I want. Because every scene with the two of them is filled with such camaraderie - even when they were trying to kill each other, it seemed to be more about extreme over-identification issues than actual hatred: trying to destroy that part of the self that they don't want to have to see. Can we have a montage of them both sketching their exes or something? This will steal my heart completely.

Alaric and Damon = the besties of all the best. In an episode from S3 Elena says to Ric: I think he misses you. Word, Elena. It's in moments when these two are on the outs that I worry the most about... well, them both. Ironically, they keep each other in the now, they both ensure that the other doesn't lose their humanity. In order to define, for Damon, what the line is between monster|man - Alaric is constantly having to redefine that line for himself. Plus, in a story that is amuck with hormonal teenagers - these two were the only "adults" that know what is going on. Which often just means that they get drunk together. But how hard would that be - to be the adult, in this bizarre situation, and the only other person remotely near your own age is someone you love to hate = best friendship ever.

I didn't know whether to include the Damon/Stefan and Klaus/Elijah dynamic to the Bromance section - but let's just work with them on that level for a second.

These two sets of brothers are obvious mirrors of each other (is there anything in this series that isn't a double of something else?) and not just in their mutual attraction to Katherine/Elena. They're brothers firs and foremost, above anything else. And they betray each other - repeatedly throughout time. But what's interesting about both of these sets of brothers - is that they live to torment each other. Really and truly, part of what keeps them alive is challenging the other, knowing that the other is always there - not for support, necessarily - but to torture in this unique and heartbreaking way. These brothers make it clear that it is impossible to hate without there being an element of deep and pervasive love. I want more Klaus/Elijah, of course, but even if we don't get more - I love that they were not set up as a triangle with Katherine - there's more to the story than Katherine, in both instances. She's merely an object around which their already established issues revolve.


Katherine

I know for a fact that in the beginning I hated her. Well, not hated - but felt that there must be more to her relationship to the brothers than just that she chose one over the other. She said in the beginning that she had a "plan" for them - and we still haven't gotten anything from that, but there's something. She's far too interesting to just be the object of desire for brothers to fight over.


Even though she's a bitch - she never apologizes for it, she never tries to hide who she really is. It would have been very easy for her to lie to Damon - to keep leading him on - but she's honest about herself. When she keeps secrets - it's out of desperation and a need to protect herself. I don't really get her infatuation with Stefan, but girl knows her mind and wants what she wants.

Plus, she proved herself in the most recent episode. She isn't one of those vampires who has shut off her humanity, and even though it (may) turn out that she is manipulating Stefan's humanity ... I'm not swallowing that easy. Because in order to be in love with Stefan, you kind of have to enjoy and understand his constant existential crisis. Plus, her scenes with Damon hedge on being just as adorable as scenes between Elena and Damon.

THE GIRLS

This scene - this moment... this image just gets me all worked up. There isn't a "mean girl" in this series. (Unless you count Katherine or Rebekah - which I don't) What there is instead: is a genuine friendship between three females. This is where the story begins - with these girls loving each other, helping each other, bonding together. I know that Elena is often seen as the Big Damn Hero of the show - but the reason why this show works for me - is all the moments when it is clear that this is truly an ensemble show - and the "main" story is driven by these three women. There are moments, understandably, when we lose sight of one, or two, or when Elena takes center stage because for all plot-purposes she is the center, but we're always brought back to the fact that it is about the three of them, together. And guys, that's really frackin rare and amazing to see. A series that devotes itself to the relationship between three girls - three very different, unique, well-rounded girls that rely on each other and ... there are no words for how much I love these girls.


Elena

Elena is a genuinely good person. The first episode I ever saw was 3.02 and the entire time I was thinking "Why is this chick their queen?!" And then I watched it all from the beginning. And now I know. Because she's the queen. End of story. She earned it. She fought for it. She has my respect.
I'm not going to go in depth on her, because I probably will do lots later. Let's just say: I was worried, I thought I wouldn't love her. Guys. I LOVE HER. Let's all have a coffee date with her.



Saying No, Standing Up, Being a Big Damn Hero

It isn't always clear that St/Elena aren't going to go to a weird BAngel place - where their relationship no longer makes sense and is all epic-love ridiculousness. It isn't always clear that the series won't just buckle under pressure and go to a Bella Swan place with Elena.
Until this moment.
When Elena tells Stefan that under no circumstances does she want to be a vampire. That even though she uses the term "always" with him, it's not about letting go of her life - it's about being a 17-year old girl. I love that she acknowledges that she is too young to even know what love really is - and that's not to say that she doesn't care for him as much as she is capable to in that moment, but that - that moment may not be the end-all, be-all. We're redefining the terms of romantic love back to a realistic - teenage space. Not a glorified teenage space. Not a corrupted teenage space - but the actual, real deal. For that alone, the writers deserve a brownie point or two.











Sisters

I originally had just titled this section "Siblings" and had included the Salvators... and then I changed my mind: because what I really love about this series is its representation of sisters. We have yet to have a set of sisters (the way that we have doubled sets of brothers) and I really hope that there will be this dynamic eventually, but for now we have a bunch of kick ass ladies dealing with their brothers - and I am loving it :)
I know it may seem like I covered this in the Bromance section, by including Klaus/Elijah and Damon/Stefan - but Rebekah adds an important layer to the importance of family... a dynamic that has been there since the beginning. Regardless of what is happening in her life, Elena is always a big sister to Jeremy. The series literally begins - not just with the Salvator brothers, but with the doubled- brother/sister relationship shown through Elena/Jeremy and Matt/Vicki - and it is always there, under the surface of the series: the importance of family ... and not just family, but the bond between siblings. In a scifi/fantasy series, it would be really easy to lose sight of the dynamic between siblings - or to overplay it and show only the corruption. Yes, the Bromances are corrupted by the entrance of a female-object, but brother/sister relationships are shown, for the most part, in a positive light. There is always love. Rebekah describes her relationship with Klaus as being equal parts love and hate, this is the only sibling relationship that is shown as corrupt - and there's good reason for it. 

I have included an image of Stefan and Lexi - because even though this series emphasizes blood-relations over "found"- family bonds, the one shining example of finding and creating your own family, it is in Stefan and Lexi. I'm hoping that eventually Damon and Katherine will get to this point, there's hints of it in S2, and I could probably argue that they are already functioning on the same level as these other sibling pairings, there's a long way to go before the series itself acknowledges that dynamic. 

Point of this story: Sisters are important. Sisters can hurt (Vicki), they can be betrayed (Rebekah), they can betray you while trying to protect you (Elena), and they can drag you away from the edge (Lexi) - but they are not disposable. This series wouldn't function without sisters pushing along, loving their brothers unconditionally. And that's pretty awesome.

Caroline Forbes

Caroline is hands-down my favorite female character on this show. No joke. When this girl cries - when you hear her voice break because her heart is breaking and she's in so much pain - I lose it. She should cry in every scene - she should never be allowed to cry. She's incredible. I want to be this girl's best friend. And every time I say this my very tall and red-headed roomie looks at me dubiously and says: "You mean, post-vampire?" Bitch, please. Caroline was my favorite from the beginning. The very beginning of all the beginnings, there was Caroline and I loved her. I need someone to be kind to her, for once. Thus far, she's been one of Damon's dolls, Matt's whipping-post, and Tyler's sexual release. When will the boys of Mystic Falls realize that she's the most awesome of all the awesome???

Sorry... when I think about Caroline all logic and reason goes bye-bye. She's incredible because I say so. ...

Or... not because I say so - because she just is.

Damon's Dolls vs. Stefan's Journal

Can I just say off the bat that I'm not quite sure when Stefan/Elena's journaling voice-overs stopped, but thank goodness they did!!!

In the beginning, we have Stefan being all angsty-with big hair and a big forehead (familiar? lol) writing in his journal. And there are tons of those suckers. Journaling is an important plot-point for the first two seasons, everyone keeps one and most of the relevant information that the characters receive is through either (a) first-person narrative through a vampire (who are like walking, talking history books) or (b) first-person narrative through a journal. But it is hugely important - at least for me - that Stefan does most of his exposition and self-analysis by cutting himself off from the world. He doesn't talk to anyone, even Lexi and Elena only seem to get part of the story. My conclusion: this is why it is so easy for him to divide himself between the monster/man | evil/good | dark/light aspects of himself... he cuts himself off from humanity by detailing his life to a book, in pen. There's something about this form of passing on information that is, within the context of the series, a bit of a problem. The big-whammy Gilbert journals that are of so much importance, detail a man going insane slowly. Yeah, that's not a good sign ... when Stefan starts to lose his humanity, it makes all the more sense because... yeah, that's what journaling does: it makes it easy to go nuts, to lose your humanity. 

On the other hand, we have Damon and his dolls. Because that's what I'm choosing to call the women that he dresses up and compels to be in love with him: dolls. That's what they are to him... or, that's what Stefan, Elena, and Alaric have determined that they are. I think it's more complicated than that. And a lot of this is going to seem apologetic - but I'm not judging Damon as a human, I'm trying to look at him for what he is: a vampire. (Stefan calls himself a human, walks around and attempts to pass himself as something other than vampire, which is  

why it is easier to get mad when he falls off the wagon - Damon makes no such illusions about himself, so let's talk about him the way the series does: as a vampire.) And as a Vampire - he has a definite sense that humans are there for him to use as is necessary. But have you noticed what he does with his dolls (besides rape and manipulate them?) - he plays fucking house. His "relationship" with first Caroline and then Andie, is gushy and over-the-top. He's affectionate, he teases, they throw ridiculous parties, he plays the perfect boyfriend. What does this have to do with journaling? Well, Damon's dolls are his form of journal. He reaches out to women - makes them into objects - plays the part that he thinks they want him to play - and then exposes himself. While Stefan is running around alone, Damon always has a confidant. Caroline and Andie know everything that is going on. When Andie sees Stefan again, she says (tellingly): "We have been looking for you." Because every woman that Damon brings into his life is a reflection of himself - his dolls are his way of expressing himself. He sits and talks to them, he pulls a "distraction" into his life, but tells them what they are, tells them what he expects of them, tells them what he expects of himself. As a vampire - it totally makes sense to use a human companion as a sounding-board: they will only reflect what he wants, and when they don't (which they often do), he can merely turn them off, send them away. He's always connected to other people - in a really bizarre, "only a vampire could pull this off" kind of way. Because his "journal" is a person who talks back - who keeps him in a state of pretend. There's a fine line in Damon Salvator's life, between performance and reality - the "relationships" that he plays are ridiculous, because they mimic the relationships around him. His dolls are not just a sounding board, they aren't just a blank slate for him to write on (the way Stefan's journal pages are) - they are human beings, women with their own expectations. Does he compel them? Yes. Is he sometimes cruel? Yes. But in public - he's the perfect boyfriend to each of his dolls. He completes their image of themselves even as he completes his image of himself by having them on his arm. (Think back to his conversation with Caroline about Edward Cullen.)

What I'm trying to say is this: in a human male character, this behavior would be monstrous. He's raping and killing women, just because he can. He's toying with their emotions and desires in order to please himself. BUT. As a vampire - I think this behavior reveals his humanity, or at least - his desire to hold on to humanity and be a part of it. He's Warren-esqe, trying to play the part of being a boyfriend by compelling women to think that he is... but he doesn't use women as mere blood-bags either, as Stefan so obviously does. When Stefan goes off the deep end, his "dolls" are only blood-bags with boobs. He watches them dance, he drinks from them, they die. Only in Damon's darkest place does he do this. His "norm" - his meal ticket is also his ticket into humanity - his desire to play house, to be the perfect boyfriend, goes hand in hand with his desire for blood. He's completely confused what being in love is, with the image of being in love. He will always be more connected to humanity, because he plays it, like it is a game. He doesn't cut himself off from it - he just literally doesn't understand it. 

Of course, the implications of this representation is astounding in terms of gender studies (the idea that men use women as a representation of humanity, as objects that merely reflect their own desires... it's all very icky) - and I would NEVER suggest that his behavior is okay, or that he should rape women and kill people for no reason. What I'm saying is this: women bear meaning. Literally. They bear the meaning of what he is. He exposes himself to a doll, and then uses it or kills it. They are reflections of himself, but they also remind him that he is separate from humanity. Rather than cutting himself off and pretending to be in-tune to his humanity, Damon keeps humans around him to remind him of his difference. It's self-torture. And it's more complicated than just a collection of dolls. 

. . . . . I'd love to do more with this, especially taking this concept from the perspective of Damon as the feminine element to Stefan's masculine element - an idea that occurred to me when I realized how similar Damon is to Dean Winchester < a character that I refuse to read as a biological male, because he is coded in his series as the feminine element in contrast to Sam's masculinity. ... This is not going to happen today.

2.12 "The Descent"

This episode was a game-changer for me. It will be - and is - and will always be - my very favorite episode. Damon completely stole my heart in this episode. 

When I get right down to it, Damon is interesting regardless of Elena. And Elena is interesting regardless of Damon. As much as I love these kids - and as much as I love Delena scenes - I find I prefer episodes that deal with Damon in his own right. He (almost) seems to belong to a different series. It's like what I was saying with Alaric and Damon - they're adults in this mainly high school-aged world. And it's episodes like this that are so telling in that regard. Damon and Rose don't seem to belong to the same narrative that hold Caroline and Jeremy. Which is why I can say without any irony that Jeremy and Caroline are my favorite characters. But Damon is my favorite vampire. (It may seem like I'm saying that the show is disjointed, and that is not at all my intention - it's complex and has varied storylines that all fit in one universe, which is why I love it.)

This was it for me, this episode - watching Damon deal with the death of one of his only friends. Watching Elena deal with Damon dealing with the death of one of his only friends. It's incredible writing and storytelling and character.... 

This is the moment. The moment when I decided that I was in for keeps. And it wasn't just about marathoning my life out of a depression - or finally finding a paper topic - it was about having my heart completely stolen by this show.

Gone to the Dark Side: TVD 1.01

No rating yet, because I know too much about the plot (as it is happening now) and am not sure if I'm ready to get in this series and stick around...

Initial thoughts:

- Elena and Stefan are not as obnoxious as I thought they would be. (I've seen a random episode from the current season and I know that Elena is going to get on my nerves quick - but here, I forgave her and actually liked her more than I thought I would.) I need Stefan to reveal to Elena who she is - but that's too large of a plot point to reveal too quickly. Since I know what's what - I'm okay with it being dragged out for a while.
- "Uncle Stefan" = lolz!
- Stefan showing up the History Teacher - so many fist pumps!!! I've been dreaming of a "teen" vamp who actually knows his/her history and makes use of said knowledge in the classroom (and/or to woo the acceptably-nerdy heroine... someday this will happen, also)
- Bonnie is my faves and I wants to see more of her.
- Mystic Falls is a hilarious name for a town. Yeay for all the ridiculously creepy settings with really big trees and lots of moss. As much as it pains me to say: the new trope is for vamps to hang out in NW small towns with lots of really, really big - shadowy trees == wonderful! I'm a Washingtonian stuck in the Sacramento Valley - I get my kicks gawking at pictures of trees. Trees + angsty vamps = okay by me
- I get that Stefan = Angel-brood and Damon  = Spike-recklessness ... and I'm so down for that. (You thought I was going to say something negative, didn't you - hahahaha, sucka) Damon-lusting, here I come!
- Predisposed to not love Elena. Not that I dislike her, or hate her, I'm just not really getting why she's the end-all, be-all chick of the series/story. I think she's interesting (I love her relationship with her aunt/brother already - she's a genuinely good person), but I'm not blown away. Like - I'd have a coffee date with her every few months, but there's no way we'd be besties ... but that's sort of how I feel about Buffy, also.

Conclusion: Not writing it off yet. Trying really, really hard to fall in love with Elena - but I really don't see it happening. What can I say? I'm a rebel :)

Supernatural 4:21 & 22

"When the Levee Breaks"
Rating: 3/5

I wasn't completely blown away by this episode. I was confused as to whether what was happening in Sam's head was all Sam or if it was Ruby's blood manipulating him. Since in the next episode he hears a completely different voice-mail message, I'm starting to feel now like the blood has manipulated his thought process for a long while. Kind of like a Harry Potter... always being manipulated/affected by the aspect of Voldy's soul ... this is how I feel about Sam this season. Which makes it hard. Because I never liked him - and I really had issues with his treatment of Dean in this episode. If I'm supposed to swallow this now and think of him fondly in hindsight - it's not really going to work. It didn't work for Harry, it's not going to work for Sam. Sorry guys.

A little frustrated with Bobby for not really seeing the big picture. And yeah - it would be hard to accept the fact that Dean is willing to kill his brother to save him, but I think that's what recovering from addiction is like: part of the person is going to die, going to be repressed down to its smallest part. And detoxing is hard on the family as well. I think the writing was... well, as usual - a little too on the nose. I really need these writers to learn some subtlety, it's becoming part of the characters (yes), but it's annoying as all get-out.


"Lucifer Rising"
Rating: 3/5

Once again, minus points for the lack of subtlety.

Let's start with how much the "evolution" of Ruby from demon-lover to demon-manipulator was SO lame. All of the great characterization from the last season, where she seems to honestly remember being human and had a stronger connection with Dean than Sam. I loved that Ruby - I thought she was badass. I want that Ruby back, somehow. There must be more to her story that we didn't get. Which is bad writing. Straight up. It's not bad writing that Ruby switched sides, it's bad writing because there was no character-driven reason for the switch. I have a theory that it wasn't actually Ruby this whole season - that our Ruby from S3 is actually trapped below and will come back someday and say "Sorry guys, someone stole my name." < I can dream, can't I?

Let's go to the good characterization: my boy Castiel. Oh man. He's a stunner. I have nothing else to say but this: I "accidentally" read an episode description for the season that is airing now. I know where Cas is going. It will keep me going, guys - no joke I can't wait to see his development. This episode, I know without a doubt, is the tip of the iceberg of what Castiel is capable of.
I actually really dig the roles that Dean and Sam were "created" to play - the summoner and the destroyer. I loved the image of Dean looking up at the medieval knight and knowing that he can't play that part. I love that this series is actually dealing with (1) how corrupt the mythology is on both sides  and  (2) how the apocalypse is not just about hell opening - it's about "ending" the war between heaven and hell. (Honestly I always thought in BtVS it was a ridiculous use of the term apocalypse.) 


I'm really glad I made it to the end of this season. I took a huge break from SPN. But I'm trying to make my life normal again. And telling all of you how much I hate Sam - is getting back to normal.

That Long Lost

Five years ago I started to say goodbye to the little things. Things I didn't think I'd miss, places and people I thought wouldn't leave a void to be filled.
I attached myself to a shooting star and left the sky I knew.
It was beautiful and simple and sweet. A sky lit up with very few stars and only occasional wonder, but full and simple and quiet. I was peaceful and happy, floating alongside something so new.
But you can only hold on to a person for so long.

And now I'm feeling the void of things let go. Before, He filled that void. Which is the way it is supposed to be. Partners help and fill and hold eachother... It's not being half a person, it is having a rock to lean on, a warm hand to hold when things get choppy. Someone to conquer your fears of being alone on this crazy train. Before, it wasn't even a void, it was just a gentle sense of missing parts of myself that centered on my independence and selfish-self. The self that didn't think about Him. It was the right thing to do, it is something we all do - unconsciously or no - to make relationships work.

Now I feel the void. I feel the things I pushed aside, said goodbye to. Those aspects of myself I repressed or hid to keep the waters calm.

I remember most the people I lost. Five years is too long, too vast, to get back. I missed events and changes is the lives of people that I care very deeply about. At the time, it was worth it... It seemed worth it: let go of a few people/places/things/aspects of self - in order to invest properly in a long-term commitment. At 18, anything was worth it.

Losing time with people. Losing the ability to watch people you care about grow into the best version of themselves, the version that you believed in at every turn more than reality ... It's the worst kind of loss.

Because Romance is not the only place where we need a helping hand, need someone to believe and have faith in us. Taking that away, investing all that emotional capita in one person... Is the most selfish thing I have ever done. We all have the positive energy and will to support everyone we meet... Well, that's the way it should be, right? If we all held out our arms and hearts to the world. If everyone supported each other always... No one would ever feel cut off or lost or alone.

And no one ever should.

Supernatural 4:12-16

So I'm skipping over the episode-by-episode review to just say that as much as I love this show and love this project, I'm emotionally exhausted. So brief (and by brief I truly mean brief) notes for this group of episodes...

• Angel Anna - Possibly the coolest frackin thing to happen to this series.
•  I love the moment(s) with Dean and his Reaper. It reminded me of the section of His Dark Materials when the children meet people who keep their Deaths in their lives. It's comforting for them, and I loved Dean's acknowledgment that his Death (Tessa) was the thing missing from his life. Their connection... I believed it. Truly, honestly. And it was needed.
• I actually enjoyed the flashback episode. It was Sam-centric, sure. But I think we learned just as much about Dean. Or maybe I'm looking for things about Dean :) I thought it was wonderful to see the moment in which Sam was told not to be in the family business (why we still dwell on that, not sure - this reveal should have happened in S1) and the moment when Dean stopped feeling like the hero of the family. That it happened so young - and that it was in a moment of extreme teenage douchebaggery - makes a lot of sense.
• I got annoyed with Sam's "Dean's not strong enough" bullhookey. Yes, Dean should not have been sent to torture a demon by the angels... but Castiel knew that. It seemed more like a test for Castiel than Dean in the long run. In the end, it's because of this trauma that Cas begins to doubt his world --- unfortunately, it ends up just being Uriel. Oh well, the possibility for development is still there.
• Oh yeah - drinking demon blood? Gross, Sam. Supa gross.

I'm loving this show right now. I promise better reviews soon... but I'm not even doing my hmw right now, let alone keeping up with SPN and blogging.

Someday I'll adjust to the single life.

Saying what's easier to hear

When I was growing up, my favorite fairy tales were "Bluebeard" and "Donkeyskin" ... Yet, had I been asked I would have told you "Beauty and the Beast" was my favorite.
I have always attributed this reaction to the fact that generally young girls are asked "Who's your favorite Disney Princess" not "What is your favorite fairy tale" ...
Today it occurred to me that it was easier to say that I vocally identified with Beauty because, let's face it, isn't a rebel. She's basically the perfect model of femininity. She bends the rules, but doesn't break them. Her skills and interests Rene toward the domestic. She is "the angel in the house" that I aspired, my entire childhood, to emulate and be. Because that's what good little Mormon girls do.

Donkeyskin and Bluebeard are stories about women who break the rules, rebel, take their lives in their own hands... And aren't punished. They live, they survive, and they don't need a bloody fairy godmother or singing rodents to accomplish their goals. And they frackin rock.